Rediscovering Biblical Friendships in an Age of Individualism

There are moments in our lives where a conversation is halted by a single realization. It happens to my wife and me, and I’m sure it has happened to you. Its the realization you are talking on two different planes or talking past each other. Meaning you are operating with entirely different definitions or assumptions. In that moment, you pause, think about what you are talking about, define terms, and get on the same page. A moment in one of Cliff Knechtle’s campus conversations left me with the same realization. It exposed a gap between two understandings of the nature of friendship. One states that friendship is defined by affirmation and acceptance, while the other is characterized by love. Why does defining friendship by affirmation or love matter?

The Cliff Knechtle Conversation: A Clash of Worldviews

In the conversation, which you can find here, the question of who we ought to be friends with arises. Cliff mentions he has friends who participate in various immoral behaviors, and you can see the disapproval all over the students’ faces. They fail to grasp how anyone could be friends with someone who has participated in, or participates in, immoral behavior. The conversation goes on for a few minutes, and no matter what Cliff communicates, the students fail to grasp his view of the nature of friendship. We may see this disagreement as a mis-definition of friendship. I think it goes deeper into Cliff vs the students’ worldviews. The students have a modern understanding characterized by expressive individualism. This is a view of ourselves and the world that the majority of young people in America have adopted. It states that in order to find ourselves and our sense of identity, we must look inward to our own desires and then express that identity outward to a world which affirms it. We find this view promoted by common mantras like you do you, live your truth, or follow your heart.

The Problem with “Expressive Individualism” in Friendship

The dominant framework for young people in identity formation is to look inward towards our aspirations, desires, and feelings to discover who we truly are. We are told we can be whoever we want to be and do whatever we want to do. The possibilities are endless. Thus, once we find who we are, we must authentically share it, and any challenge to this self-expression is a threat to our very identity. Thus, in a culture of expressive individualism, societies roal is to affirm and celebrate whatever anyone expresses. But with this, friendships quickly become characterized by affirmation and are conditional in nature. One may say, I’ll be your friend as long as you affirm who I believe myself to be. Friendships simply provide a place for validation and affirmation. If this is how many people understand friendship, then loneliness will be the result. Friendships that are limited to affirmation mean large parts of our lives must remain hidden. This includes our failures, poor decisions, sins, contradictions, and wounds. It produces a curated self-sustained persona motivated by the fear of being rejected if someone knew the real us.

How Affirmation Culture Leads to Isolation

The result of this type of thinking has contributed to cancel culture, and these students adamantly believe that Cliff could not be friends with someone who has committed rape, is a bigot, or is a racist. In our contemporary culture, many assume that remaining friends with someone implies approval of their beliefs or actions. If we disagree morally, we must withdraw relationally. If someone fails, sins, or holds the wrong views, we must distance ourselves. This type of logic fuels cancel culture. I don’t know about you, but a friendship characterized by this does not sound like a friend at all.

The true view of friendship is one characterized by love and grace. This is the biblical view. Expressive individualism’s friendship assumes that friendship always equals endorsement of everything someone believes or does. But biblical friendship is not based on affirmation and endorsement, but instead is based on love. Love confronts evil rather than affirming it. And it calls people not to abandon others when they sin, but rather walk with them toward repentance. Our modern understanding of friendship has little to no concept of grace, and grace is exactly what is needed.

What is the Biblical Foundation for Friendship?

What is a biblical foundation for the nature of friendship?

1. The Level Playing Field of Sin

First, we must understand that sin levels the playing field for all of us. Romans 3:23 says, “All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” There is no one morally superior to another. Thus, friendships are not built by comparing levels of righteousness. They are built on a shared need. As one theologian said, we’re all beggars showing other beggars where to find bread.

2. The Dignity of the Image of God

Second, we are all created in the image of God. Therefore, we are all loved by God, have innate value, and are worthy of being loved by another. We are also created for relationships and need friendships in our lives.

3. Love That Sharpens Iron

Third, friendship is rooted in love. It’s easy to think of offering love for personal gain or self-protection. But the biblical view of love is self-giving and sacrificial. It’s for the benefit of another individual, even when it’s costly or uncomfortable. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” This love both protects and provides caring for the nourishment of another, and calls another to a higher standard when needed. Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” A necessary feature of friendship is loving them so much that you correct them when they are wrong.

A Covenant, Not a Contract

Friendship being rooted in love means we affirm and encourage the good in our friends’ lives, bear one another’s difficulties and walk alongside in pain, call out the wrongdoing of others and point them to a higher standard. These are the friendships we need most and desire most. We all know that inevitably we will fall short and do wrong. We will hurt others, we will sin. And the friends who stick around are the friends we want in our lives. Consider the friendship between Jonathan and David. Their bond was not convenient but covenantal. It was marked by loyalty even if it meant loss of status, safety or inheritance (1 Samuel 18-20). Modern friendship says I’ll be a friend as long as it benefits me. Biblical friendship says I will stay because I am committed to you. Friendships form us as we fail and win in life. And in biblical friendships, we can find what we long for: to be known, forgiven, and belong.

Practicing Countercultural Friendship

This biblical view of friendship implies that we ought not just believe differently about what friendship is, but also practice it differently in comparison to modern culture. We can reflect on who actually knows us and has loved us enough to encourage and correct? Who are we willing to love in the same way? Biblical friendship asks for humility, patience, courage, and grace. In a world that can cancel or shame, rediscovering biblical friendship and modeling it in our lives can be one of the most countercultural acts of love we can offer.