The Exhausting Business of Being Yourself: Why Individualism Fails Us

“You be you!”

It sounds like the most liberating, empowering message you could ever hear. True freedom, it seems, is found when you embrace individualism. That is, when you recognize your unique place in this world and live that way.

In one sense, this is absolutely true. So why does individualism so often feel exhausting? Why does embracing your true self feel like a rabbit chasing a carrot on a stick? The answer has to do with a bad understanding of what your “true self” really is.

The Illusion of Self-Discovery

Culture shapes us in many ways we never stop to think about. This is especially true when it comes to personal identity. We hear “you be you,” and we automatically think that the task of being “you” is a task of self-discovery. You must figure out your own individual identity by looking inside yourself. Search your feelings. From there, the simple concept of individualism becomes so-called expressive individualism, that is, allowing your inner feelings to be fully expressed in a proud, authentic, unguarded way.

Here’s the problem: Feelings come and go. One day we feel one way, another day we feel differently, or we are unsure how we feel. But in a world that constantly pushes us to “be yourself” by looking inside, the business of being yourself no longer seems liberating or empowering. It becomes confusing and frustrating. Even more, when your feelings shift and you experience doubts, you wrestle with how much your real inner self fuels those doubts, and how much they come from the world not accepting you. Of course, you are told that it’s just the world not accepting you.

In short, life becomes as blurry as our wavering feelings. If this is what individualism is really all about, it’s an exhausting business, to say the least. But that’s not even the most concerning part.

Why Individualism Leads to Fighting Yourself for Affirmation

We don’t have to look inside and figure out who we truly are. God is our maker, and he has spoken to us! We are humans, made in His image as male or female (Gen. 1:27). God gave us unique personalities and style preferences, too. And yes, they may change over time, but they never defined us. The problem with expressive individualism is that people are led to insist, “This is who I am,” based on their feelings, and they invest their whole identity around it.

Even if our inner feelings seem very clear, there’s another problem: Sin and brokenness are in the world, distorting our self-understanding. We may think we are on the right track, but in the end, we still feel hollow.

One of the key ways you can tell if your feelings don’t align with your true identity is if you find yourself fighting for affirmation even when the people around you already provide it. Think about those in the LGBTQ community who experience themselves as having a different gender or sexuality. Often, these people form tight-knit communities of like-minded individuals who regularly affirm one another. And yet, they continue to fight for others (many of whom they don’t even know) to affirm their feelings and lifestyle.

The extent of their efforts is truly impressive, especially during Pride Month. Yet this is what we would expect to see if their feelings are not aligned with how God truly made them. They are going against their own design. That nagging “off” feeling refuses to go away, and they think the remedy is to lean harder and harder in their demands for affirmation and acceptance. In fighting the world, they wind up fighting themselves.

Of course, many who accept their LGBTQ feelings do not participate in the outward displays of the LGBTQ movement. But even still, the hunger for affirmation and acceptance continues, and it is an exhausting business. But if Christianity is true, then chasing after acceptance and affirmation for feelings that go against our God-given identity will never truly satisfy.

Overcoming Exhausting Individualism: Expressing Something Greater

Individualism becomes exhausting when we look inward rather than outward. But in a world that dismissed God, most of us assume that the only option is to look inward. So we try our best to ground ourselves through expressing our individuality.

As Christians, we can also express the unique way that God made us. But what the world needs most is for us to express God’s Kingdom. If our friends and family are going to fight against themselves, then we must fight for them with the tools of God’s Kingdom, such as love, mercy, truth, and compassion. So think about those who are chasing after some form of identity apart from God. Send a text. Write a note. It’s a lonely world out there, and people need to hear about their foundation in God’s good truth from someone caring enough to speak.